The Fear Of Love
by Jack Solo Black
Summary: Severus Snape has always been afraid to feel... But when he begins to feel something deeper for one of his students, his resolve and humanity will be put to the test... Will Severus Snape ever allow himself to fall in love...? With her...? SSHG warning AU
1. Chapter 1: Thoughts And Images

The Fear Of Love.

Chapter 1: Thoughts And Images.

Severus Snape sat at his desk, hating his life. '_Bloody students! Bloody Albus! Bloody Voldemort! I bloody well hate them all!_' He thought bitterly, pulling a sheet of parchment towards him. '_Stuff it! I need a drink!_' Severus got up and grabbed a bottle of Odgden's Old out of the cupboard, and poured himself a glass, savouring the burn down his throat.

'_Shit! I need to get out more!_' Severus thought, staring at his reflection in the mirror. '_Screw it! Goddamned bloody well screw it!_' He thought, pacing up and down his study. He was restless. He had been all week, although he had no idea why.

'_Screw this! I need a walk!_' Severus slambed his glass of half-drunk Fire-Whiskey down on the table, grabbed his cloak, and headed out the door, setting his wards as he left.

'_Bloody school!Bloody potions! I should be teaching defence against the dark arts! Bloody Albus!_'

Severus strode purposefully towards the grounds, docking a few house points along the way for students who breathed too loudly. Severus smirked as he shoved past a bunch of hastily retreating first years. '_One good thing comes out of this damn teaching position... I get to terorise the damn students instead of bottling up my anger... Albus always said I need to get it all out in the open..._'

"Ten points from Ravenclaw Stebbins!"

The Ravenclaw sixth year jumpped, and ran off across the grounds, probably trying to work out what he'd done wrong. Severus smirked again. '_I love my job..._'

The potions master headed down towards the lake. It was late afternoon, and the weather was growing cold, so the students were likely to be heading up to the warmth of the castle, leaving him in peace. '_Bloody students!_' He thought again.

Severus strode halfway around the lake before he stopped, sitting down on a large flat stone, and putting his head in his hands. '_Damn life! Why does it have to suck so much!?_'

Severus' thougths of self brooding were suddenly interupted by someone approaching from the other direction. Severus looked up in time to see Hermione Granger tripping over him. '_Bloody Granger!_' Severus grunted as he was shoved backwards into the ground, Granger landing on top of him.

"Oh...!" Granger leapt up, apolagising hurredly. "Oh! Professor! I'm sorry! I... I didn't see you there, Sir... Sorry!"

Severus got up, brushing his robes off with as much dignity as he could manage, having been bowled over by a student.

"Detention, Granger! Eight o clock! My office! And watch where you're going in future!" Severus turned, and headed off in the direction Granger had come from, leaving her looking quite affronted.

'_Bloody Gryffendores! They'll leap in to fight a bloody dragon but are too damn stupid to look where they're going! All rash actions and no brains!_' Then again, he expected no less.

Severus didn't know why he'd snapped that badly at Granger, sure, she was a show off, and a know-it-all, but she was generaly alright. She was smarter than Potter anyway, and Weasley was a lost cause.

'_Oh, bloody hell!_' Severus admonished himself, as he tripped over an upraised root. '_Bloody Gryffendores! Why does their stupidity have to be catchy!?_' Severus growled as he straightened up, vowing to find any excuse to take points from them. '_Bloody Gryffendores! I hate them! I bloody well hate them all!_'

Severus' thougths turned to violent images of what he'd like to do to all the Gryffendores in the school if ever he could have his way with them, most of them involving extremely painful methods of torture used on Potter Weasley and Granger.

'_Bloody Potter! Bloody Weasley! Bloody Granger! I hate them all!_' But unbiden in his mind came a sudden, startling image of Granger lying on the desk in his office with no clothes on.

'_Bloody hell! Bloody brain! Shove off! That's discusting! You bloody filthy bastard!_' Severus shook his head, as if to clear the images, but for some reason had no luck. '_Bloody emotions! Piss off!_'

Severus tried to imagine himself torturing Potter, but for some reason his thoughts kept returning to Granger.

'_Damn it Severus! Get a grip man! You have a bloody reputation to uphold!_' Severus glanced down, noticing the slight bulge in his pants. '_Shite! That can't be good!_' He decided it was late enough, and opted for a quick swim in the lake to relieve him of his problem. '_Bloody Granger! I'll kill her!_'

Severus glanced around, and when he was sure there would be no interuptions, pulled off his robes, and dove into the lake.

It was a few minutes later when Severus finaly remembered he was supposed to be in his office. '_Fuck! Bloody Granger! Now I _will_ kill her! Oh, bloody fuck!_'

Severus leapt from the lake, threw his robes back on, and dashed back to his office, running only as far as his dignity would alow, striding quickly from the grounds to his office.

'_Bloody Granger!_' Severus strode into his office, telling Granger to sit, then grabbing a disorderly file and tossing it across the room to his desk. "Sort those files into alphabetical order. Let me know when you're done." He said, and stormed off to his quarters for a quick shower.

Severus decided to blame his little problem on stress. It couldn't be anything else... '_Unless..._' came an unbiden voice in his head; '_you actually do feel..._' "Sove off!" He muttered to himself. "I _do nop_ have any kind of feelings for Granger other than pure hatred!" '_Bullshit!_' "Piss off!" '_Face it... You're a dirty old perv..._'

Severus turned the hot tap right off. "Bloody Granger! I'll kill her! Damn voices! Leave me alone!" Severus shook his head, Bloody hell! He was getting worse than Albus!

'_I need another drink..._' Severus returned to his study to find Granger still sorting through his files, and grabbed the bottle of Odgden's he'd had earlier. '_Stuff the glass!_' He thought, taking a swig, and once again relishing the burning in his throat.

Granger seemed to find the need to question him on it, further heightening to iritate him.

"Sir... Uhm, if I may say so... Isn't that against the rules...?"

'_Bloody Granger and her rules!_' "Rules were meant to be broken." He ansered simply, and Granger looked torn between shock and amusement, suddenly bursting out laughing, much to his surprise and anoyance.

"Miss Granger, what is so funny?"

Granger recovered herself quickly. "I'm sorry Sir... It's just that, well, you go on at Harry for breaking the rules, and then you break them yourself? Is... Isn't that a bit, well... _hypocritical_ Sir?"

"No. I'm a teacher, Miss Granger. You're not. Niether is Potter." He took another swig of the alcahol. "Now get back to work!"

"But... Sir...? Couldn't you get in alot of trouble for that...?"

Severus sighed, counting backwards from ten in Goblin. "Miss Granger, as much as I appreciate your, er, 'concern' for my position here at Hogwarts, I would prefere it if you kept your energies focused on sorting out my notes. He took another swig of the whiskey. "Now, if you don't mind, I have work to do."

Severus sat down, and pulled the large stack of marking towards him. '_Might as well get started on this..._'

A half hour, and a few more swigs of whiskey later, Severs found himself becoming increasingly tired, and a headache began to ensue. The words on the piece of parchment before him were blurry, and Severus gave up trying to read them, and instead glanced over at Granger sorting his files.

Again, unbiden in his mind, came the images of Granger sprawled out on his desk. '_Crap! I though I sorted that out!_' Severus glanced down, and noticed he was becoming hard again. '_Oh, shit! Not again!_' Severus shifted uncomfortably in his chair, growing steadily more uncomfortable. '_Crap! I'm going to have to do something about that!_'

"Grrr!" Severus growled in frustration, startling Granger out of her silence. "Er... Professor? Is... Is something wrong?"

Severus shifted again. "Yes! Everything's wrong!" He snarled, not meaning to say so.

"Oh..." Granger went back to his files.

Severus got up, rearanging his robes so nothing showed, and walked out of the room. He leaned on the wall outside of his office, and stared around his classroom. '_Crap! This could _not_ be happening to him! Why couldn't this happen to Lupin!?_'

Severus couldn't hold back a harsh laugh at the thought of Lupin and Granger together. '_Merlin! What a thing that would be!_' Severus smirked, then grew agitated as he realised he still had a problem.

_Oh, bugger it!_' He thought, resigned to this anoying slideshow of his thoughts.

Severus sat at the base of the wall, and resigned himself to doing something about it. _Bloody horemones!_' The potions master gritted his teeth, hoping Granger stayed where she was in his office.

'_Bloody prick! Stay down you insatiable bastard!_' He found himself staring at the desk, and again came that damned acursed image. '_Bloody desk!_' On a spur of the moment action, Severus pulled out his wand and pointed it at the desk. "_Incendio!_"

He smirked slightly, as he watched his empty desk burn, finaly putting it out with a wave of his wand.

There was a sound behind him, and Granger poked her head out the door to his office, her mouth dropping open as she noticed the pile of burnt ashes, and the half burnt desk smouldering within them.

"Oh! Um, Professor? Wha... What happened to your...?" She pointed lamely at the desk. Severus smirked at her, quietly starting to feel better.

"Nothing I can't fix, Miss Granger." He pointed his wand at the charred half desk. "_Reparo._" The pile of ashes vanished, restoring the desk to its original state.

"Miss Granger, have you finished ordering those files?"

"Y... Yes Sir."

"Good. Then you are dismissed. And good day to you."

Granger nodded. "Yes Sir." And she quickly hurried out of his classroom. He quietly wondered weather she had noticed his open fly. '_Oh well, what's done is done... Now, to sort out this bloody problem!_'


	2. Chapter 2: Explosions And An Apology

Chapter 2: Explosions And An Apolagy.

It was a few weeks later, when Severus' mind suddenly assailed him with that damned image again. Longbottom _had_ to go and blow up his bloody cauldron again didn't he!?

There was a sudden loud '_bang_' and everyone was ducking for cover, and a few people were sent flying across the room. Severus ducked, as he was slambed sideways into a wall by one suck flying person.

"Ouch!" Severus grunted, and tried to shove the person off him. '_Bloody Longbottom!_'

Severus pushed himself up, off the floor, looking to see who had hit him. '_Granger!_' Severus noticed she appeared to be unconcious, and quickly checked to see if she was breathing. '_Good._'

The potions master looked around. No one else seemed injured, and the mess would be easy enough to clean up. Severus lifted Granger up off the floor, and strode to the front of the room. "I am taking Miss Granger to the hospital wing. You will all stay here until the end of class, and _will not_ touch anything! Do I make myself clear!? Good! And Longbottom, you have detention! Tomorow! Eight o clock! My office! For stupidly endangering the lives of your fellow students!"

Severus strode out of the room, the door swinging shut behind him, and headed up to the hospital wing with Miss Granger. He fuigered she'd live, but he didn't know if she was suffering the affects of Longbottoms badly brewed potion. '_Shit! Why was it always _him_!?_'

Severus carried Granger to the infirmary, that acursed image suddenly coming into his mind. '_Oh, crap! Piss off!_' Severus yelled at his mind, atempting to clear his brain of those perverse thoughts. '_He couldn't be thinking like this! She was a student! And a Gryffendore no less!_'

Severus stared at the young girl in his arms, all of a sudden wishing this didn't have to be so complicated. He found himself wanting more than ever to press his lips to those of the beautiful young woman lying unconcious in his arms. '_She looked so peaceful..._'

Severus absentmindedly brushed a strand of cocoa coloured hair out of her eyes, and was startled when she stired, blinking a few times before realising where she was.

"P... Professor Snape? Wh... Why are you carrying me?"

"You had an accident." He answered simply. "You were unconcious, so I took to the liberty of carrying you to the hospital wing. Did any of Longbottoms potion hit you?"

Granger shifted slightly in his arms. "I... I'm not sure. I don't think so."

"I'll take you to get checked out by Madam Pomfry anyway. There could be side-affects if any of it came in contact with your skin..." '_Skin he so dearly wanted to touch..._' No! He couldn't think like this!

"Uhm...Professor Snape? Do you think you could put me down now...?" Granger asked, shifting slightly again.

"Oh, right. Yes, of course Miss Granger..." Severus carefully righted her in his arms before lowering her gently to the ground. '_Merlin! She felt so right in his arms..._' Severus shook himself mentaly, trying to regain his composure, and gather his thoughts colectively.

"Right, Miss Granger, as I said; I will escort you to the hospital wing to have you checked out for any possable side affects of the potion should you happen to have come in contact with any of it."

Granger nodded, and followed him the rest of the way to the infirmary.

"Poppy? I have escorted Miss Granger up here on the whim that she may possably have come in contact with a highly explosive potion concocted by a fellow student. She was rendered unconcious by the explosion, but woke up a few minutes ago. I decided it would be a good idea to have her checked out for any signs of concussion, or any possable side affects of the brew in question."

Pomfry nodded, leading Granger over to the nearest unoccupied bed. Strangely, Severus was loath to leave her, and so stayed until Pomfry had declared her okay, and fit to return to class.

Severus dismissed her from the rest of his lesson, and returned to his classroom to deal with the masive mess, and the rest of the no doubt hysterical students he had left behind in his classroom.

The next evening, Severus was patroling the corridores when he was suddenly startled by someone clearing their throat.

"Uhm, Professor Snape?"

Severus turned to the source of the voice. It was Granger.

"I... I just wanted to thank you for... for taking me to the hospital wing the other day. I... I..." She looked down, timidly. "Thanks..." She said, quietly, her usualy over-confident voice just above a whisper.

"Quite alright Miss Granger. Merelt fulfilling my role as a teacher in ensuring that one of my students was not _too_ seriously injured during one of my classes."

Granger smiled timidly at him, and for some reason he smiled back, perhaps the first time he had ever done so genuinly. It surprised him almost as much as it surprised her.

"Granger, walk with me for a minute." Severus was surprised to hear no malice in his voice. Granger looked for a minute... grateful...?

Severus sighed, also something he didn't do too often. "Granger, do you know _why_ I treat you the way I do in class?"

Granger started, and looked questioningly at him. "Sir?"

"It's because I don't like being beaten at my own subject... by anyone."

Granger was staring at him now. "Oh..." Was all she she answered.

Severus fuigered he'd better apolagise while he was at it, before he lost his nerve. "Also, I should like to apolagise for my atrocious behaviour towards you over the years... Far from how any teacher should act towards a student... For any reason. I'm sorry." It was not something he said very often. He made eye contact with her, and she held his gaze, no doubt judging if he was sincere.

There was a sudden flash of emotion through Grangers eyes, and Severus blinked, sure he had imagined it. Could it be... Pity...? Want...? Severus shook his head, clearing his thoughts, and Granger continued to watch him, as though fearful for his health.

Severus smiled faintly again. "You really are the brightest witch of your age."

Granger looked positively stumped. "Th... Thank you Professor." She continued to look stunned for a minute, then turned, and headed off back to her dormentary. Severus smiled to himself, cirtain he had done the right thing. '_Note to self; Must remember to be more civil to Longbotton from now on... Potter too..._'

Severus headed back to his rooms, wondering if perhaps it couldn't be too bad after all. '_Damned images! It's driving me crazy!_' Severus smiled quietly to himself as he made his way back to his quarters. '_Not so bad at all..._'

That evening, in bed, Severus siftedf through his jumbled thoughts. He found he had always admired Granger for her intelectual inteligance, and careful, conservative thinking. It was really no wonder he found himself becoming increasingly attracted to her. But there were rules... He had morals, and a reputation to uphold that had taken a long time to establish. He wasn't sure if he could just... drop them. '_For Granger...?_'

Severus shook his head. He'd been doing that alot lately. He was sure someone was going to notice. '_Damn thoughts! This is driving me insane! I need another drink..._' Severus mentaly kicked himself. '_No! You can't be turning to the drink! Granger's right... It's against the rules... And I can live without it..._'He put the bottle down.

'_Damn images!_' Severus thought, for about the millionth time that night. It was true he admired Granger, and didn't like to be bettered by someone at his own subject... '_But perhaps he had alot to learn from her..._' And she from him. There was no doubt she was the best in her class.

'_Damn! Why am I thinking like this!?_' Severus thought, desperately. '_I'm supposed to be insensitive! I'm not supposed to feel! I'm a bastard!_' Severus chastised himself. '_I can't feel like this! I'm not supposed to! I can't _let_ myself feel this way!_'

Sedverus faught against his usual instinct to act hostily, or maliciously when faced with a problem involving another human being. '_Can't do that either! Grrr! I hate these damn images!_'

Severus tried to think about something _anything_ else. No such luck. '_Bugger it! This is crazy! Snap out of it man! Severus Snape _does not_ feel! Especially not like this! I have a reputation to uphold here!_'

Another voice came, unbiden in his mind. '_Is that all...? The only reason you'll pretend not to feel this way is because you're afraid of losing your reputation as Hogwart's most feared potions master...?_'

Severus realised he _was_ afraid. He was afraid of what was happening to him, of what he was feeling. He was afraid to let himself fall in love... '_With anyone..._'

He realised he had spent so many years building a wall around himself, seperating himself from the world in order to survive. After Voldemorts initial downfall he had been shunned, hated, and feared by society. Called a killer. And worse. Severus had retaliated by closing himself off, by becoming an island of hatred and self pity. He had vented his anger, and frustration on the students, and had thrown himself into his work, and thus earned himself the reputation of Hogwarts most feared and respected potions master of all times. He had his dignity, his pride, and Severus wasn't so sure he was _quite_ ready to throw all that away...

'_You can;t hide it forever...You'll have to stop pretending some day... You're only fooling yourself..._' Severus siged in defeat, and went to the bathroom, intent on solving his now persistant problem. '_Bloody horemones!_' Severus thought, viciously. '_Goddamned stupid bloody horemones!_'


	3. Chapter 3: Of Potions And Revelations

Chapter 3: Of Potions And Revelations.

The next day was a saterday, and Severus hadn't expected to see Granger again so soon. By all rights she should have been in Hogsmead with Potter, and Weasley.

"Oomph! Oh! Sorry Miss Granger. My fault." Severus exclaimed, helping her up from the floor.

"Oh, that's okay Professor, I should have been... I mean, I didn't mean to..." She stopped, appearing flustered.

Severus had to fight back the grin that faught to escape him. '_She was always so timid... Like a doe caught in the headlights..._'

"Quite alright Miss Granger. Now, may I ask why it is that you are not in Hogsmead with Potter and Weasley?"

"Oh, I just didn't feel like it... And I had your essay to finish. I've done most of it, I just need another inch or so on the uses of Gillyweed, Sir."

Severus couldn't keep his surprise from showing. "You remind me of myself..." He muttered, more to himself.

"I'm sorry, Sir? What?"

"Nothing, Miss Granger. I was just noting how very like me it is that you are spending your free time working, rather than enjoying the freedom of the weekend like everyone else." He smiled slightly, causing her to blush.

"Er, tha... thank you Professor!"

Severus smirked inwardly. '_Strike one._' "Miss Granger, have you had lunch yet? Only, it wouldn't do to miss lunch because of homework... and," he added; "I'm quite sure your essay is more than satisfactory as it is."

She flushed again, and looked down, as if embaressed, but he was sure she was hiding her pride. '_Strike two._'

"Sir?"

"Yes Miss Granger?"

"I was just wondering, if maybe, you could show me how to brew the _curatio_ potion? Only, I'm not quite sure how to do it... The instructions were a little confusing."

Severus raised an eyebrow. "And why would you be brewing a _curatio_ potion, Miss Granger?"

She scuffed her feet on the ground, fidgeting slightly. "Well, it's just that, well, Fred and George... They tested some of their products on themselves, and had some rather nasty side affects, and I fuigered that the _curatio_ potion would be able to cure it..."

Severus was slightly taken aback by the admission. "Well, as I am curently doing nothing else, I would be glad to help you with it after lunch, if you want."

Granger nodded. "Yes. Than... Thank you Sir!" And she turned and rushed off in the direction of the Great Hall. Severus shook his head. '_Deffinately a doe..._'

After he had eaten lunch, Severus met Granger in his office, as arranged. She imediately set about explaining the effects the Weasley twins were suffering, and he was amazed at her depth of knowledge into deducing the perfect cure. '_She really is the brightest witch of her age..._'

Severus quickly sety about helping her brew the potion properly. He found it amazing that she thought him competent enough to help her.

An hour and a half latter, when he had properly demonstrated the corect techniques, and dosage, Severus was struck by how much he found he enjoyed her company. She was one of the few students who respected him for who he was, and who didn't judge him on his sordid past. He had even heard her defending him in front of Potter and Weasley... '_Maybe she didn't hate him that much after all..._'

Severus suddenly had the strong urge to tell her everything right then and there... To tell her how he kept wishing he could hold her again, like when he'd taken her to the hospital wing... only, concious... He wanted to tell her how she made his skin itch at the thought of touching her, of running his hands through her hair, of his sudden need to feel her lips on his...

Before he knew it, Severus had crossed the room, and was kissing her fiercely, his hands resting gently on her shoulders. He expected her to pull away, to run out of his office, screaming, but much to his astonishment, she didn't. Instead, _she_ surpprised _him_, by putting her hands behind his head, and pulling him closer.

Severus saught her permission to go further, and she oppened her mouth slightly for him. Severus slipped his tongue inside, coiling his hands in her hair, running it through his long fingers.

Severus moaned, becoming slightly dizy, as the blood ran between his legs. '_He was going to have to deal with that later..._' Severus found himself pushed up against the edge of his desk, and that damned image asaulted him again, testing his resolve. Severus held off. '_Not going to do that... Yet..._' Came the unbiden voice in his head.

They parted, Granger disentangling her hands from his hair. She was smiling at him. '_Had she known...?_' "I wondered how long it would take you to do that." She told him, her hands now on his shoulders.

"Wha...!? You... you knew about...!?" He couldn't seem to finish the scentance.

"I've known for a while. Well, _suspected_ is more the would I should use."

Severus just stared at her. "Why didn't you...?"

"I knew you were afraid because of yuor reputation, and your morals. Don't be. I'm almsot eighteen now! I think I can decide what I want to do now."

Severus was still staring, dumbstruck. A thought suddenly occured to him. "Did you...? I mean, _do_ you...? How long have you...?"

"Yes. For a while now. Thought I'd be waiting forever for you to do that."

Severus just stood, gaping. She grinned, and kissed him back.

--

A/N: curatio Latin for Healing.


	4. Chapter 4: Epilogue

Epilogue:

A few months later, Hermione graduated from Hogwarts, and she and Severus were finaly able to be a bit more open about their relationship. They took it slow at first, giving everyone time to adjust to the 'new' development.

Severus was still reserved, and feared public outcry against him for an 'imoral bastard who had taken advantage of her.' But he got through it. So far he had been acused of slipping her a vast number of love potions, and confundus potions, rape, taking advantage of her, molesting her, forcing her into it, holding her against her will, and, from the nice ones, having no morals and breaking the bonds of the student-teacher code of conduct. He had denied all of it. So had she.

H was still amazed that she had stayed with him, even after all of that, and had expected her not only to leave him, but to say that he had poisoned her, or something. She hadn't, and for that, he was grateful.

Potter and Weasley hadn't taken the news well. They had screamed and yelled and carried on at him for quite a while before Hermione had finaly threatened to hex tham all if they didn't grow up, claiming that; 'she was quite cabable of making her own decisions, thank you!'

Lupin had laughed. Bloody Werewolf. Apparently he had 'accidentaly-on-purpose' let slip to Fred and George about it, who, in turn, proceeded not only to tell everyone they saw, but took to the liberty of wolf-whistling at him every time he came across them.

A feww months later, they aranged to be married at a small chapel near the Burrow, to which everyone was invited. Mostly becuase they would have shown up anyway. The reception was held at the Burrow, and Severus found he was actually becoming encreasingly enamoured with the Weasley clan, despite how iritating they could sometimes be. Potter had even stopped atempting to hate him. Although Severus suspected that Hermione had had something to do with it.

Severus sighed as he sat down at the table around which the entire Weasley clan Harry, Lupin and a few others had gathered, and grasped Hermiones hand in his, stealing a quick, chaste kiss from her before they ate. Unfortunately the twins noticed.

Severus ignored them, and smiled contentedly, surprised at the way his life had turned out. And all because of those goddamned images! Severus decided that falling in love wasn't really all that bad after all...

Fins! lol.

Just so yas all no, I like, kinda lost the original end of this, I think. I may never have even writen it, so yeah, if sum of this just sounds like, different in tone or sumthing compared to the rest, that's why, cos I just made up the rest on the spot! lol. I no this is kinda AU! lol. Which I actually forgot to mention originly in the summary thing. lol. But oh well, I fixed it now! lol. Oh well, hope you enjoyed reading this. It's my first ever Hermione/Snape fic, so yeah, go easy on me! lol. I'm also amazingly surprised at the fact that I managed not to have any crazy smutty sex scenes in here! lol. This was originaly writen for a friend, who wanted me to write it, so yeah, thank Peta! lol. Ah well, gotta go write sum more random stuff! lol.

Cheers,

Jack Solo Black.


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